We were sitting at my favorite coffee house, it was a gorgeous sunny day. Today was especially bright. Across from me sat a gorgeous, blue eyed, dark hair mysterious man. By just the looks of him he was everything I ever wanted in a spouse. This was our first date. Although, everything in me wanted to jump head first into the sea of love; I knew better. From my previous relationship, it had been a long healing process to where I was that day. I didn't want to ever go through that again, so I knew the next man that came into my life had to be different. I knew that I had to be different.
I sat there with a straight face and began to tell him who I was. I laid it all out, I had no patience for anyone who was just looking to have a fling. I expressed very clearly my goals, dreams and boundaries. I wanted him to know that I had plans, responsibilities and dreams that I expected to accomplish. I was not sitting around waiting for a man to come and save me from my loneliness. And any relationship I started was going to be serious. I wasn't looking to just have "fun". After directly stating all of that, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "So if you have a problem or issue with any of that, you can leave now. I understand." Inside I was hoping and praying to God that I didn't scare him away. He was beautiful, sexy, funny and everything I could have wanted. It was as if God heard my prayers and created him just for me. But I didn't want him to know how captivated I was by him.
After a moment of silence which seemed like forever. He looked straight back at me with the same level of intensity I had and said, "If you're trying to scare me away you're going to have to try harder. You are a leader and that intimidates most guys. You don't need me to complete you and that's why I like you." At that moment I could have jumped across that table and kissed him like in a movie scene.
But I didn't. I kept my composure and over the course of a few weeks tested those words of his. Needless to say they were true, 2 years later that man became my husband.
I hear so many times about women and men who are desperately trying to find "the One". Every TV show, movie and song tells tales of people trying to find that one person that makes them whole. Time and time again I hear stories from different single people about how they just want this "type" of person.
But when you look at their life they have no idea who they are or where they are going. They have this idea that once they find that person then all things will be complete. Then when they get into a relationship they realize that the other person is expecting them to fill holes that they can't meet and vice versa.
Even within a marriage, struggles happen when we are looking to our spouse to complete us. We expect them to fill the void in a certain area that we never learned how to fill ourselves. This puts an unhealthy strain on our partner to be something that they weren't meant to be. Knowing who you are and what your goals are before you enter a relationship is so vital. Being happy and content while being single is key to having a healthy relationship.
For example, I struggled with my self image and self worth for a long time during my single life. I had previously had my battles with anorexia and diet pills. But I overcame those struggles prior to meeting my husband. I didn't look to him to affirm my beauty, I looked to the one who created me. Because reality is, if you don't believe you are beautiful, you'll only put a strain on your spouse to constantly affirm you and you still won't believe it!
I never liked the saying, "You complete me". Does my husband add values, ideas and strengths to me? Absolutely! We fit like a puzzle piece. And it's good to have those differences, the battle comes in when you are expecting your spouse/significant other to fill areas of your life that you refuse to work on. A relationship should be 100% given by both sides, not 50/50. A whole you and whole partner results in a healthy relationship. A team that can accomplish anything together.
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is become a whole, healthy you. This is best done before you begin a relationship, but it's never too late to get there. There are times when I can easily slip back into putting expectations on my spouse that he is not meant to fulfill. In those moments I have learned to go to the Holy Spirit and ask what it is I'm lacking. Usually it has to do with an area that I've neglected or ignored that needs refining.
Don't mis-understand me, I don't believe that a marriage is two people living independently from one another, that would be a roommate. We need each other, there are things that we cannot and should not do on our own. The main point here is that you are not looking to your spouse to fix you. But rather it is two whole and healthy individuals choosing to serve one another toward a strong, thriving and united marriage. My prayer for you today is that your marriage thrives with passion, unity and love. And if you are single, don't wait until you find the "one". Ask God to begin to guide you in the process to becoming the "one" now. Be 100% you.